i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
soo... how was my night?
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