I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
