don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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