Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
