Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
