i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
