Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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