yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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