I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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