dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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