Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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