remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Randomize
