It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
