she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
this is an emotional support booty call
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
