I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
