This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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