we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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