I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Got a toothbrush?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
