Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
