Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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