So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
