didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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