I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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