i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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