The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
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