We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
