im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
