I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
