My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Someone came in the potted fern
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
