i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
