I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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