I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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