I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
