I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
