the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
