I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
