Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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