so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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