I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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