i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
