There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
