If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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