I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Randomize
