Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
