dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
