your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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