There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
