the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
