You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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