youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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