Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I am full of burrito and curiosity
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
