i wish starbucks made bloody marys
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
