Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
