Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
