i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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