Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Randomize
